apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
