Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
