Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Randomize
