it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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