Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
