i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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