Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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