I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
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right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
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Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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