Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
