Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
