he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Randomize
