Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
