I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
