I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
