You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just invented taco cereal.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
