I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
