Got a toothbrush?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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