this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
