drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
