I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
