at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
