I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
