Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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