ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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