i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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