i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
