My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
