they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
we're making bets on your personal life
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
