I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So much Jack, so little girl.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
