fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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