Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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