My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
