Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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