Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
