I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
