He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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