Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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