at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
