Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
