In the future we'll all be gay
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
