So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
