so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
