Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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