It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
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I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
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I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly