Texts From Last Night

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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Why does Jon Cryer have a career?

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  That is a good question.

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  (860): Why does Jon Cryer have a career? (1-860): That is a good question. http://tfl.nu/v28q
  Replies (14) Good night (1241) Bad night (676)
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  (631): View more from New York

  New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.

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  (631): New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled. http://tfl.nu/1807
  Replies (164) Good night (9088) Bad night (861)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  please don't let me die tonight

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  what have you done for me lately?

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  (203): please don't let me die tonight (860): what have you done for me lately? http://tfl.nu/9vcn
  Replies (18) Good night (4802) Bad night (1179)
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.

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  (417): My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong. http://tfl.nu/opsu
  Replies (14) Good night (1042) Bad night (7741)
• Favorite

  (925): View more from California

  I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.

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  (925): I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard. http://tfl.nu/47cs
  Replies (13) Good night (3186) Bad night (1415)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  high in an attic. pig roast in 10.

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  (703): high in an attic. pig roast in 10. http://tfl.nu/5v0b
  Replies (11) Good night (3408) Bad night (926)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.

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  (785): this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila. http://tfl.nu/7xsl
  Replies (3) Good night (1322) Bad night (927)
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home

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  (918): I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home http://tfl.nu/noo6
  Replies (12) Good night (3414) Bad night (781)
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  (530): View more from California

  We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."

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  (530): We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out." http://tfl.nu/0tb5
  Replies (3) Good night (3577) Bad night (822)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook

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  (301): my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook http://tfl.nu/xr9p
  Replies (15) Good night (2950) Bad night (1025)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I want to have sex with him.

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  (703): I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress. (703): I want to have sex with him. http://tfl.nu/1wj3
  Replies (5) Good night (1288) Bad night (512)
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.

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  (704): Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone. http://tfl.nu/kasl
  Replies (3) Good night (764) Bad night (401)
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.

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  (540): Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot. http://tfl.nu/omko
  Replies (8) Good night (1682) Bad night (338)
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.

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  (918): Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize. http://tfl.nu/3mfn
  Replies (2) Good night (415) Bad night (165)
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"

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  (815): Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!" http://tfl.nu/ep20
  Replies (1) Good night (689) Bad night (164)

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