My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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