Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
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While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
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It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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