Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
