Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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