I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
