You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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