Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You ate ashes out of my bong
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
