this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Just puked most of my soul out..
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
