Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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