I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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