I wish I could punch you in the face.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
