I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
