These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Randomize
