At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
