I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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