I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
