I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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