How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
