Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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