he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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