we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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